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thegreathambino

New member
Jan 17, 2009
5,853
0
I'm 15,and a sophmore in highschool. I wrote an article on the beggining of the NFL season, to be printed in our school paper. Let me know what you guys think. I there are some spelling errors, but let me know. ALl comments are accepted.

-I know that this article is about football, but this thread gets more attention, and i know a bunch of you so, i'm positing it here anyway. Let me get some feedback. Thanks!
avery

"

When the leaves in mid September begin to change colors, when the brisk cool air breaks through the summer heat, when you stop getting mosquito bites and start getting a cool chill down your spine when you walk outside early every morning, you know that football season is here; the NFL has arrived.
The 2009 season has quite a few big stories that come with it. Former Falcons quarterback Michael Vick signs a 2-year contract with the Philadelphia Eagles, which is worth up to almost $7 million dollars. Brett Favre, a future hall of fame inductee, has decided against his 2nd “retirement” stint, and has decided to sign with the Minnesota Vikings. Nevertheless, Favre will be back next year with a thick $12 million dollar contract and a team full of young up and coming stars to be the leader of. Tom Brady, a 3 time Super Bowl champion, will be coming off a torn ACL in his left knee, which he suffered in week 1 in 08’ against the Kansas City Chiefs. Since David Tyree stole the Super Bowl right out of the Patriots hands in 2007 ( out of their hands, and onto Tyree’s head), you know the Patriots will come back this year, craving another super bowl ring in the trophy case. The Jets rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez (5th overall pick in the 2009 NFL Draft) is looking to lead a Jets team to the Playoffs. Sanchez, a former Trojan in college, is coming into the NFL off a great college football year; 3,207 passing yards and 34 passing touchdowns. After Sanchez has been quoted saying it would be “hard” to leave USC for the NFL and “probably couldn’t do it”, sure enough he found himself as #6 in the ol’ green and white NY Jets jersey.
Their are many different factors that will change the outcome of this years NFL season. But as the teams step on the field, as the quarterback flips through his play book for the perfect 3rd and short play, and as the coach screams into his headset attempting to warn his offense of an illegal formation, the only thing the players, fans, and coaches will have their eye on is the scoreboard. The scoreboard is really the only thing in football that really matters. Sure, Tom Brady can be matched up against some rookie quarterback with a sub-par offense, but at the end of the night, when the Patriots score is lower than the other teams, well thats about all that matters. So for all you Patriots, Giants, Jets, Eagles, Bills, Lions and Cardinals fans, just remember that no matter how good your team is, at the end of the night, you will look at the scoreboard, and accept the truth that it holds. So good luck to all the fans that will spend their Sundays under a warm blanket, on a comfortable couch watching their team rise and fall in the long 16 week adventure that we call the NFL.

"
 

aminors

New member
Aug 7, 2008
5,336
0
Southern IN
thegreathambino said:
I'm 15,and a sophmore in highschool. I wrote an article on the beggining of the NFL season, to be printed in our school paper. Let me know what you guys think. I there are some spelling errors, but let me know. ALl comments are accepted.

-I know that this article is about football, but this thread gets more attention, and i know a bunch of you so, i'm positing it here anyway. Let me get some feedback. Thanks!
avery

"

When the leaves in mid September begin to change colors, when the brisk cool air breaks through the summer heat, when you stop getting mosquito bites and start getting a cool chill down your spine when you walk outside early every morning, you know that football season is here; the NFL has arrived.
Run-on sentence
The 2009 season has quite a few big stories that come with it. Former Falcons quarterback Michael Vick signs a 2-year contract with the Philadelphia Eagles, which is worth up to almost $7 million dollars. Brett Favre, a future hall of fame inductee, has decided against his 2nd “retirement” stint, and has decided to sign with the Minnesota Vikings. Nevertheless, Favre will be back next year with a thick $12 million dollar contract and a team full of young up and coming stars to be the leader of. Tom Brady, a 3 time Super Bowl champion, will be coming off a torn ACL in his left knee, which he suffered in week 1 in 08’ against the Kansas City Chiefs. Since David Tyree stole the Super Bowl right out of the Patriots hands in 2007 (out of their hands, and onto Tyree’s head), you know the Patriots will come back this year, craving another super bowl ring in the trophy case. The Jets rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez (5th overall pick in the 2009 NFL Draft) is looking to lead a Jets team to the Playoffs. Sanchez, a former Trojan in college, is coming into the NFL off a great college football year; 3,207 passing yards and 34 passing touchdowns. After Sanchez has been quoted saying it would be “hard” to leave USC for the NFL and “probably couldn’t do it”, sure enough he found himself as #6 in the ol’ green and white NY Jets jersey.
Their are many different factors that will change the outcome of this years NFL season. But as the teams step on the field, as the quarterback flips through his play book for the perfect 3rd and short play, and as the coach screams into his headset attempting to warn his offense of an illegal formation, the only thing the players, fans, and coaches will have their eye on is the scoreboard. The scoreboard is really the only thing in football that really matters. Sure, Tom Brady can be matched up against some rookie quarterback with a sub-par offense, but at the end of the night, when the Patriots score is lower than the other teams, well thats about all that matters. So for all you Patriots, Giants, Jets, Eagles, Bills, Lions and Cardinals fans, just remember that no matter how good your team is, at the end of the night, you will look at the scoreboard, and accept the truth that it holds. So good luck to all the fans that will spend their Sundays under a warm blanket, on a comfortable couch watching their team rise and fall in the long 16 week adventure that we call the NFL.

"

A few things I bolded/italicized/underlined will be explained now. In the Vick sentence you said "signs" but then in the Favre sentence you said "decided". Keep the tense the same.

In the underlined part, avoid the repetition of the word "decided". I would remove the comma and just write "...'retirement' stint and has signed with..."

Up-and-coming needs to be hyphenated...I think.

In the Tom Brady sentence, I would change the structure slightly to avoid, you know, that one thing, called ummm, overcomma-ing your sentences, or something, you know? I'd say something like "Tom Brady, a 3 time Super Bowl champion, will be coming off a torn ACL in his left knee (that/which) (was/he) suffered in week 1 in '08 against the Kansas City Chiefs." I also moved the apostrophe from after the 08 to before it, as it should be.

The first italicized sentence could be fixed. First off, Patriots needs an apostrophe after it to show possession of the word "hands". Also, I would move the parenthesesed statement more toward the beginning of the sentence. Something like "Since David Tyree stole the Super Bowl right out of the Patriots' hands (and into his head for that matter), the Patriots should be back with a vengeance, eagerly looking to add another Super Bowl ring to the trophy case." You could also swap the Super Bowl ring thing to "eagerly looking to clinch the Vince Lombardi trophy for another year."

I bolded (5th overall pick...) because it simply needs the word "the" before "5th" or even "fifth".

Also in the Sanchez sentence, the phrase "a Jets team" makes little sense to me. I understand that he's leading the Jets this season, but "the Jets" or "his Jets team" make more sense to me.

Ok, going on to Sanchez sentence number two. The sentence structure is a little awkward. Separate that into two sentences for two reasons: It is an awkward sentence and you need to tell what a Trojan is. We don't want anyone thinking he was a condom model or anything. Try something like "Sanchez, a Trojan in college,is coming into the NFL fresh off of a great college football year. At the University of Southern California, he amassed 3,207 passing yards and 34 passing touchdowns."

It's time for more Sanchez sentence stuff. Change the word "as" in "...as #6..." to "...wearing number six" or "wearing number 6". It's generally a rule that numbers under ten are spelled out, not typed numerically. Wearing also makes the sentence work a little better IMHO. In addition, NY needs to be "New York".

You start off the second sentence with a blatant grammatical error. The word "their" shows possession of something by more than one person. "There" is the appropriate word.

The second sentence in the second paragraph is a run-on sentence. Is it fixable? Not really. It makes sense.

The third sentence, however, is a complete fallacy. Look it up. That being said, the rest of the second paragraph doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

In the fourth sentence, near the end, the word "well" needs to be taken out. It sounds alright phonetically but it makes very little sense in writing.

In the second to last sentence, a comma is not needed between "scoreboard" and "and".

About the last sentence...I don't know if that sentence should have been started with the word "so". It could be okay, but I'm not sure. It seems...elementary to me.


Hope this helps
Anthony
 

wolfmanalfredo

Active member
Aug 7, 2008
8,606
5
Minnesota
Only read a paragraph or two, but these are what popped out for me:


1. The massive run-on sentance to open the article

2. Using decided 2 times in the same sentence. Try to avoid overdoing the same words. Especially when they are 5 or 6 words apart.

3. Too many commas and run on sentances. You are also putting commas in incorrect places where other puncuation would suffice
 

cowboysrule48

Active member
Aug 7, 2008
3,869
0
Orlando, FL
I was the editor of my High School paper for two years. I will try to be constructive.

The first paragraph is unneeded. You are writing a story about football, not a romance novel. Don't try too hard to be fancy, that's not what newspaper writing is for. You need to be concise and to the point, the reader will get bored with stuff like that.

The grammar is pretty bad. You mixed up a the forms on some words(Their and There is the one that stood out). You are also missing some apostrophes.

You mention that Sanchez is a former Trojan. I would add USC to that. There is more than one school that has "Trojan" as their nickname.

You don't know that Favre will be back. Just because is under contract doesn't mean that he won't go through the same circus.

You don't know the Patriots will come back. News stories are supposed to be objective, you can't have a line like that.

Where exactly do you live? I would focus more on teams in your area than just the NFL as a whole. You want it to be interesting to your audience.

This is nit-picky, but quarterback's don't flip through the playbook looking for a play to run. The coaches call the plays.

This is just from skimming through it, I'm sure I could find a lot more. When is your print date? I'm exhausted right now, but if you have time I'd be happy to comb through it more tomorrow.

I'm going to be blunt here, so don't take any disrespect with my next statement. However, if one of my writers' handed me that story, I would give them these suggestions and ask them to please rewrite the whole thing.

I hope I was of some help.
 

MacK

Active member
Aug 7, 2008
5,282
0
Not sure what this means?

So for all you Patriots, Giants, Jets, Eagles, Bills, Lions and Cardinals fans, just remember that no matter how good your team is, at the end of the night, you will look at the scoreboard, and accept the truth that it holds.

Seems like you just named random NFL teams and said, you're gonna lose?
 

thegreathambino

New member
Jan 17, 2009
5,853
0
i'm loving the constructive critisism... this is my first article ever for the paper, hopefully they'll get better from here on strait
 

aaron41984

New member
Jun 22, 2009
1,931
0
Brett Favre, a future hall of fame inductee, has decided against his 2nd “retirement” stint, and has decided to sign with the Minnesota Vikings. Nevertheless, Favre will be back next year with a thick $12 million dollar contract and a team full of young up and coming stars to be the leader of.

Pretty sure you can't end a sentence with "of"

Get a teacher to proof read your article. Not that you aren't getting good advice here, but I'm just saying that is your best bet.

I have said it before and I'll say it again, you seem like a good kid and I am happy to see that there are still some teenagers more focused on school work and constructive hobbies rather then getting into trouble. Stick with it and I am sure your writing will turn out nicely.
 

justinmandawg

New member
Aug 7, 2008
6,174
0
Kansas City
cowboysrule48 said:
I was the editor of my High School paper for two years. I will try to be constructive.

The first paragraph is unneeded. You are writing a story about football, not a romance novel. Don't try too hard to be fancy, that's not what newspaper writing is for. You need to be concise and to the point, the reader will get bored with stuff like that.

The grammar is pretty bad. You mixed up a the forms on some words(Their and There is the one that stood out). You are also missing some apostrophes.

You mention that Sanchez is a former Trojan. I would add USC to that. There is more than one school that has "Trojan" as their nickname.

You don't know that Favre will be back. Just because is under contract doesn't mean that he won't go through the same circus.

You don't know the Patriots will come back. News stories are supposed to be objective, you can't have a line like that.

Where exactly do you live? I would focus more on teams in your area than just the NFL as a whole. You want it to be interesting to your audience.

This is nit-picky, but quarterback's don't flip through the playbook looking for a play to run. The coaches call the plays.

This is just from skimming through it, I'm sure I could find a lot more. When is your print date? I'm exhausted right now, but if you have time I'd be happy to comb through it more tomorrow.

I'm going to be blunt here, so don't take any disrespect with my next statement. However, if one of my writers' handed me that story, I would give them these suggestions and ask them to please rewrite the whole thing.

I hope I was of some help.
 

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