Bud Selig Names Himself Dodgers Cleanup Hitter

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has made his first decision since taking control of the floundering Dodgers franchise, putting himself fourth in the lineup for tonight’s game against the Braves.

“The Dodgers need a steady hand right now, not just from the executive level but also on the field, playing in the games,” said Selig. “I plan to provide that.”

Selig, age 76, says playing in the major leagues has been a lifelong dream of his, but insists that he is not abusing his power.

“I might be older than the average player, but we saw how Jamie Moyer was still contributing last year in his late 40s,” said the commissioner. “And I’ll have you know that in 1949 I was eighth on my JV baseball team with a .271 average. Unfortunately, I didn’t make varsity the next season because by then my school allowed black students to play. That’s when I started the Collective Bargaining Club at school and the rest, as they say, is history.”

Selig will bump Matt Kemp down a spot in LA’s offense. He will also takeover Kemp’s spot in center field, pushing the former Gold Glover to left.

“I walk several times a week,” said Selig. “I don’t think I will have too much trouble in center. I’d just ask that the players really yell loudly when they’re calling me off a ball because my hearing isn’t what it used to be.”

Selig will be the first league executive to play in a major league game since Marge Schott led the Reds to the 1990 World Series with a .311 average and 54 home runs.

“Marge was a large woman. Big in the haunches. It really helped her hit for power,” said Selig. “I see myself more as a lithe, quick player like 1880s star Buttercup Dickerson.”

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